Making friends as a kid seemed almost automatic.
You went to school together. You played on the same team. You lived down the street. You spent enough time around the same people that friendships had a chance to develop without anyone really having to think about it.
Then adulthood happens.
Suddenly, making a new friend can feel surprisingly complicated. You meet someone you like and start wondering: Should I text her? Should I invite her to do something? I reached out last time, so should I wait for her to reach out now? Is she actually interested in being friends? Am I trying too hard?
It can start to feel a little like dating, just without the romance.
If you've found yourself wondering why it's so hard to make friends as an adult, you're certainly not the only person asking the question. Adult friendships require something that childhood friendships often didn't: intention. And when you're already juggling careers, kids, relationships, appointments, responsibilities, pets, errands and everything else that comes with adult life, finding the time and energy to build a new friendship can be difficult. Pasted text
But difficult doesn't mean impossible.
Why Making Friends as an Adult Feels So Awkward
There's a vulnerability involved in making a new friend that we don't always talk about.
You have to put yourself out there without knowing how the other person will respond. You may have to initiate plans. You have to follow through. You have to spend enough time together to discover what you have in common and gradually build familiarity, trust and intimacy.
And unlike when you were younger, those opportunities aren't necessarily built into your life anymore.
That's one reason making friends as an adult can feel so much like dating. There's uncertainty involved. You don't know whether the other person is interested in developing the friendship at the same pace you are—or whether there's going to be a connection at all.
That's uncomfortable.
It's also normal.
“But Everyone Already Has Their Friend Group”
This may be one of the biggest things keeping adults from meeting new people.
You walk into a neighborhood, workplace, gym, event or community and it looks like everyone already has their people.
Why would they need another friend?
The problem is that we're seeing these relationships from the outside.
Adult friend groups aren't necessarily as fixed as they appear. People move. People get married and divorced. Careers change. Children enter the picture. People enter different stages of life. Longtime friendships sometimes become less close, while new people enter our lives.
Sometimes we even outgrow relationships that were once incredibly important to us.
So seeing someone who already has close friends doesn't necessarily mean there isn't room for another friendship.
And you'll never really know unless you're willing to find out.
Stop Looking for Your New Best Friend
Another thing that can make forming adult friendships harder is expecting too much too quickly.
Maybe what you really want is a best friend. Someone you can call about anything. Someone who really knows you.
But most friendships don't begin there.
They begin with strangers.
Then perhaps you become acquaintances. Maybe you're the people who always talk at yoga. Eventually you grab coffee. You learn a little more about each other. You discover that you enjoy spending time together.
Over time, the relationship can deepen.
As Lauren and Eleni discuss in the episode, friendship has levels. Not every new person you meet needs to immediately look like your future best friend. Sometimes it's enough to ask a much smaller question:
Would I enjoy spending time with this person again?
That's a much easier place to start.
Because intimacy usually isn't created in one great conversation. It's built through repeated connection.
Consistency breeds trust.
Yes, Making Friends Can Feel Like Dating
Lauren discovered this firsthand when she went looking for a walking partner.
She found a walking group on Facebook and arranged to meet someone she didn't know. Her friends joked that she was essentially going on a blind date.
And, well...the first one wasn't a match.
So she tried again.
The next day she met another person to walk with..... and this time there was a connection. They enjoyed talking; it felt organic, and they became friends.
There's an important lesson in that story.
Meeting one person and not clicking doesn't mean you're bad at making friends. It doesn't mean there aren't people out there for you. It just means that particular person wasn't your person.
We accept that idea pretty easily in dating.
Maybe we should give ourselves the same permission with friendship.
How Do You Actually Make Friends as an Adult?
If adult friendships require more intention, then sometimes we have to create the opportunities that used to happen naturally.
That doesn't mean walking into a room full of strangers and announcing that you're looking for a new best friend.
Start with something you actually enjoy.
Join a book club. Volunteer somewhere. Play pickleball. Find a walking group. Learn mahjong. Take a class. Organize a neighborhood potluck. Look for a group that meets around something you're already interested in.
Recurring activities can be particularly helpful because they remove some of the pressure.
You don't have to manufacture a reason to see someone again. You're both already coming back next Tuesday.
Familiarity has a chance to develop naturally, and those small interactions can gradually become something more meaningful.
And if the thing you're looking for doesn't exist?
Consider creating it.
Don't Automatically Interpret “Busy” as Rejection
Adult schedules are messy.
Someone may genuinely want to spend time with you and still not be available the first—or second—time you ask.
That doesn't automatically mean they're rejecting you.
One of the challenges of adult friendship is learning to make room for the realities of other people's lives. The friendship you had with someone at 25 may look completely different at 45. A friendship that once involved spontaneous nights out might now involve comparing calendars three weeks in advance.
That doesn't necessarily make the friendship less meaningful.
Sometimes the relationship simply needs to evolve along with the people in it.
The same applies to new friendships. Give people some room before deciding what their availability means.
Take a Friendship Audit
Making new friends isn't always the answer.
Sometimes there are already people in your life you'd like to know better.
Think about the people around you. Is there an acquaintance you've always enjoyed talking to? Someone you used to be close with but haven't spoken to lately? Another parent you see regularly? A neighbor? Someone you walk the dog with?
There may already be potential friendships sitting one step outside your existing circle.
Instead of asking only, “Where can I meet new friends?”, it may be worth asking:
“Who is already in my life that I'd like to know better?”
Then do something about it.
Send the text.
Suggest the coffee.
Ask them to walk.
You don't need to know where the friendship will ultimately go before you're allowed to take the next step.
Try the 30-Day Friendship Challenge
If you want more connection but aren't sure where to begin, Lauren and Eleni offer a simple challenge in the episode.
- Week 1: Reach out to an old friend you haven't talked to in a while.
- Week 2: Invite an acquaintance to do something one-on-one. Coffee, a class, a walk—keep it simple.
- Week 3: Join one recurring activity or group where you'll have an opportunity to see the same people regularly.
- Week 4: Host something small. It doesn't need to be a party. Invite one or two people over and create the opportunity yourself.
The larger idea behind the challenge is simple:
Stop waiting to be invited. Initiate.
Because there may be someone else sitting at home wondering exactly what you're wondering:
Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?
Maybe they're waiting for someone to reach out, too.
Looking for New Friends in Alexandria? Join Us at the Women's Crawl
And if you're in the Alexandria area, we've got one more challenge for you.
Come meet us.
The Old Town Alexandria Women's Crawl is October 24th, and we've intentionally created an environment where women can come with friends or come looking to make new ones.
If you're coming specifically because you'd like to connect with people, we've even created purple lanyards that help signal that you're open to meeting someone new.
Women have told us they've met people at previous Crawls who became ongoing friendships, which feels especially appropriate given everything we've been talking about here.
Don't wait until the last minute. RSVP so you don't miss out:
Listen to the Full Conversation
There's much more to this conversation—including introverts versus extroverts, the anxiety that can come with putting yourself out there, changing friendships as we get older, finding people through shared interests, and Lauren's adventures in friendship “blind dating.”
Listen to The Awkward Truth About Making Friends as an Adult on Shrinks on Tap wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch the full conversation on YouTube.
Because making friends as an adult might require a little more effort than it used to.
But sometimes the first step really is as simple as being the one who reaches out.
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